Thoughts on Life

So interestingly enough, I think I am going to blog again. I never really liked the idea of it, just sharing with anybody, but I feel like I've maybe got something to share now.
See, when I was fourteen, I wanted to write all about life. I fashioned myself the next Steinbeck, to bring another generation around to understand their failings. The problem with that mentality is....I had never really lived. At all. I wanted to write about heartbreak and loneliness, and the absolute feeling of happiness. Coming from Morgan, I had never experienced a lot of this. I could talk about how much I empathized with someone, but I had no idea what depression felt like.

Don't get me wrong. I am not now saying that as a nineteen year old, I now know everything there is to know, or that I have felt every emotion. But I can now officially say, that college has certainly put a lot into perspective for me.

I can say certain things about myself and I can no longer say certain things.
Here is the list of what I have realized about myself:

• I used to despise the idea of marriage. I don't anymore. If I ever get so lucky as to come home to someone who cares enough to ask about the mustard stain on my shirt, then God will truly have blessed me.
• Like Rufus Wainwright, I like things just a little too strong for my own good. I have pushed my body and my mind to its limit so many times. And I won't stop. I care too much about my friends and about my career to let it sit.
• I hate criticism. I hate having to change. That being said, I know that the person I am and the person I want to be are two very different people. So, as painful as it is, I will continue to grow.
• I like sleep. A lot. And I never seem to get enough. Every morning as I lay in bed, I calculate the amount of hours until I will return and there are many days when I am tempted to not leave.
• I am ungraceful and callous. I hope to get better, but at a certain point, I just have to be okay with the fact that I will never be Cate Blachett.
• I believe God speaks to everyone differently. I can honestly say that I have felt God's presence far more through film and music than I have in most church meetings.
• Kids? We'll see.
• I have often struggled with the fact that I never seem to fit anywhere. My fashion is a little too tacky for the fashion forward people, but I am too "edgy" for more cautious dressers. I am sick of trying to fit either group. I will make my own style, if that's what it takes.

Anyway, this is all sounding very "I can do!". Personally, I've always hated motivational speeches. (Mostly because they are given by people who I don't care about. Have Coleen Atwood give a motivational speech, and then maybe I'll listen.) But you know, in the goal of having people maybe understand, I'll lay out my ideology and life plan.

In the next couple of years, I would finish school, and land a few jobs a long the way. Get a fairly good GPA, get a better portfolio. After school, I would just allow my career to go where it will. Live out of a suitcase for five years. Tour? Sure. Opera? Sure. Wherever would pay for me to live and work, that's where I go. Travel and work. That's the dream.

Somewhere along this timeline, I get married. My husband and I would work out the details, but I never really want to stop doing tech. Not to mention, I think I'd make a horrible mother.

Kid: Mom, can I watch Invader Zim?
Me: Sure, why not?
-Kid has nightmares for weeks-

So kids, no kids, that's all up in the air. I expect to move every six months for quite sometime. And then, eventually, we'd find a place we loved. A city, a town, a theatre. And then we'd live there most of the time. If I had to spend three months of the year somewhere else, then, well, I'd miss them tons.

And so, I mean, I thought I was on the road to achieving this rather unconventional utopia.

Unfortunately, I suffered several big personal blows lately, and I had to reconcile who I am.
In the fall, I had a big design opportunity flop. (Like flop so bad that I hated to put my name on it.) And that hurt, a lot. Tech has always come easy for me. And when it didn't, I completely fell apart. I felt so of ostracized after that, because I felt I wasn't living up to expectations of me. I slogged through the rest of that semester, and then this one hit. This semester has taught me discipline, and has undoubtedly been one of the hardest I've ever experienced.

So after the majority of this semester, I saw my way out. I would take an internship in Ohio, and take a year off. No more expectations, good money, and I would be far away from Utah. All part of the plan.

I was surprised to hear back at all, but I got an interview. Obviously, this was meant to be. God was preparing the way for me to go. And then...Tatjana said that she would love to hire me, but to call her after I graduated.

What?

You mean, I'm not supposed to go?

How could this be? I had made arrangements and plans, hell, I had budgets made.

So, I guess I am staying in Cedar. Apparently, there is something here for me to discover or find.
I am not allowed to run away yet.

Well, God, I hope you've got this one covered, because you've got me stumped.

So I guess what I'm left with is....what now?