Monday, October 29, 2012

End of Day

This is end of day. When everything in me hurts, particularly my stomach, and my eyes are just tired. When I spend my time doing nothing, because I can't bring myself to do anything, but I'm too tired for sleep.When I want to play video games, or make some phone calls, but there isn't anyone awake. When I want to eat nothing, and everything. And that time when my mascara has created little black half moons under my eyes, like the ones drawn on in old silent movies, that I say I like but I don't. There are a lot of things I say I like but I don't: coffee more expensive than the gas stations, music that's too loud and too harsh, and eating lunch with people that don't really care what I think.

That being said though, I've always been one of those night kids. The morning feels too bitter and cold, but night feels like a pair of old sweats that feels just right, even though wearing them makes you feel adolescent and cheap. Most of the time, I hate the word nice. It feels awkward and too concise, like stiff stretched collars. It may look appealing, but it isn't me. I am not refined or clean cut. And most of the time, I don't care at all.

I like my people like I like my journals. Spine broken, smudges, and just honest. And tonight is just one of those nights.

Friday, October 19, 2012

Past Prayers

Today, I walked onto campus and was surprised at what I found. I had forgotten about this cross. Every year, one of the Christian churches around town puts this out and asks people to write prayers. And I remembered.

Last year ago, today, feeling lost and desperate, I hastily scribbled "Help me find something to believe in." I stuck it to the cross and forgot about it. Until today.

I feel as though I must express my gratefulness today, for the peace I have found. I am so grateful that I am no longer the person I was a year ago, racked with guilt and depression, and feeling very much alone. A lot has changed in my life, since that day, and I have to say, I don't regret a thing. I am so grateful to the people around me, who have helped me through this. I am so grateful to feel like I have a place in this world and this universe. And I am grateful for my optimism about the human race.

So, all those around me, if you would like to send out a message of what you really need, feel free to write in a comment here. And who knows, maybe it will find it's way around to you. Like mine did.